Yes, that would sound a lot better! But this word "uğruna", is a problem. It means "for the sake of" or "Med hänsyn till" in swedish . Can we just ignore it?? In that case your suggestion is definitely to prefer!!
I understand, but sometimes we have to translate an expression according to its 'intention', even if the literal translation is also an expression (a different one).
Anyway, let's ask for some help.
Handyy, what do you think?
Its origanal version is "Bir hilal uğruna ya Rab, ne güneşler batıyor!" which means "Oh my God, for one crescent's sake, how many suns set!". (The sun is intentionally used as plural!)
Here the part "Bir hilal" is somehow dropped. So, the meaning is changed. It becomes something like "My God, for Your sake, how many suns set!"