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Translation - Turkish-English - Nefesim Nefesine

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This translation request is "Meaning only".
Title
Nefesim Nefesine
Text
Submitted by queenbee:)
Source language: Turkish

Yatar gül harmanı gibi
Canımın dermanı gibi
Her yanında çiçek açmış
Binboğa ormanı gibi

Nesine yar nesine
Ölürüm ben sesine
Bir daha vursa idi
Nefesim nefesine

Canım sese mi geldin
Kadem basa mı geldin
SaÄŸ olsam gelmez idin
Öldüm yasa mı geldin

Nesine...

Saçın yüzüne perde
Yüreğim düştü derde
Ayak üstü duramam
Seni gördüğüm yerde

Nesine...
Remarks about the translation
This is a poem of KaracaoÄŸlan called "Nefesim Nefesine" and a song at the same time. // Bilge.

Title
My Breath to Your Breath
Translation
English

Translated by duguit
Target language: English

She lies down like the harvest of rose
Like the remedy of my soul
Like the BinboÄŸa Forest
All covered with flowers

For what, beloved, for what
I die for your voice
I wish that one more time
My breath could hit yours

Dear, did you come for the noise?
Did you come to tread?
You would not come if I were alive,
Am I dead and did you come to mourn?

For what...

Your hair is a curtain for your face
My heart is in trouble
I can not keep standing
Wherever I see you

For what...
Last validated or edited by Lein - 21 January 2011 18:18





Latest messages

Author
Message

20 January 2011 11:48

Lein
Number of messages: 3389
Hi duguit

I love your translation - very beautiful. I edited just a couple of minor things (grammar points that I don't think change the meaning or the flow of the text). One point that I don't really understand is in the last verse: I cannot last standing. Does that need a comma? (I cannot last, standing / Wherever I see you) Or should it be I cannot keep standing / Wherever I see you? Or have I misunderstood this part? Thanks

20 January 2011 11:53

duguit
Number of messages: 40
yes sure it is "i cannot keep standing" i just couldn't remember the word although i use it all the time

thank you! :*

20 January 2011 11:55

Lein
Number of messages: 3389
Thanks

20 January 2011 12:19

merdogan
Number of messages: 3769
Hi duguit,
good work

only,
Like the BinboÄŸa Forest
All covered with flowers....>

All covered with flowers
Like the BinboÄŸa Forest
and
I don't understand "Did you come to tread?"





20 January 2011 13:13

duguit
Number of messages: 40
you are absolutely right about the forest part when we consider the line numbers. but i think it sounds and gives the meanin better like this.

when we use like you suggest, it seems like she is the one who is covered with flowers. both this is possible. but i think, it is the forest what is all covered with flovers. she only looks or smells ect. like the forest. this way i use is more common in turkish poems and traditional songs. so i chose this.

and "to tread", i accept that it was a hard part

kadem basmak türkçe ayak basmak anlamına da geliyor. hani uğramak, görünüp gitmek falan gibi. şarkının anlamı kapsamında en uygun gördüğüm anlam bu oldu ama önerilere açığım.

20 January 2011 13:20

merdogan
Number of messages: 3769
Dear duguit.
You are right about the forest part. But it is a poem and I suppose, we can't change the original layout.
And also for me; "she is the one who is covered with flowers" is good for this poem.

20 January 2011 13:37

Lein
Number of messages: 3389
I think the meaning of those two sentences doesn't change by switching them so I'll leave duguit's version. Either way, they can be read as someone resembling the forest, which is covered in flowers; whether she herself is covered in flowers is up to the reader's interpretation.

As for 'tread', are you suggesting another word would be more suitable? Something like 'walk', or 'step' perhaps?

20 January 2011 22:22

merdogan
Number of messages: 3769
Dear Line,
No, it is not up to the reader's interpretation. As a native reader I understand "she herself is covered in flowers" because of the meaning of first two sentences.
On the otherside we have no right to change the original layout, especially if it is a poem.

21 January 2011 11:09

Lein
Number of messages: 3389
But in the English version you can still read that either the forest, or both the forest and the girl are covered in flowers. By the way, I think especially in poetry we can change the layout if it makes the translated poem flow better.

Bilge, you voted 'yes' - does this discussion change your opinion? Thanks!

CC: Bilge Ertan

21 January 2011 18:19

Bilge Ertan
Number of messages: 921
Hi Lein

Thanks for asking my opinion. I think the translation could stay like this because in the original text, it is not mentionned exactly whether the girl is covered in flowers or the forest.

merdogan,
You are right, when I read the text, at first I thought the same thing but in fact there are two cases. Let's take a look. The first one:

-Yatar gül harmanı gibi, canımın dermanı gibi, (onun) her yanında çiçek açmış,Binboğa ormanı gibi.

If we say like this you are right. But if we remove the comma,

-Yatar gül harmanı gibi ,canımın dermanı gibi,her yanında çiçek açmış Binboğa Ormanı gibi (yatar)

(Yani onun yatışını her yanında çiçek açmış olan Binboğa Ormanı'na benzetiyoruz.)

The meaning is becoming completely different. I hope I could explain you. Thanks



CC: merdogan

21 January 2011 18:19

Lein
Number of messages: 3389
Thanks all
Accepted

21 January 2011 19:06

merdogan
Number of messages: 3769
Dear Bilge,
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